Love is Calling the Other to More

Cliche. Platitude. Bromide. Nuggets of wisdom that have been used so often that they have become meaningless. Some phrases that Google classifies as “platitudes” include:

• Thoughts and prayers.
• It doesn’t matter who scores, as long as the team wins.
• Sacrifice today for a better tomorrow.
• Nobody’s perfect.
• Good things come to those who wait.
• Life is a mystery.
• That’s just my personal opinion.
• I wish I knew then what I know now.

We’ve got many, many versions of these phrases. They are often used as “fillers,” expressions to be inserted into moments in which we really don’t have anything to offer or don’t want to get into a more lengthy discussion. For example, we often greet others by saying “How are you today?” and hear the response “Fine” or “Good.” In most cases, there is no appetite for the more complex truth: “I’m really having a terrible day and here are the 10 reasons why.”

The platitude might emerge if someone actually decides to give us the details of their bad day: “Life is a mystery.” The response is a verbal shrug saying that “I really have no response.” There may be deeper wisdom behind “life is a mystery” but its effectively meaningless because there is no intent to dig deeper and its vague broadness makes it a perfect barrier for additional conversation.

Beyond the Surface

We often do a similar thing with stereotypes. It’s easier to just label a group or situation as “typical” in behavior or reaction than to deconstruct the specifics and look beyond the surface. Growing up, I remember cartoons and sitcoms that were relentless in their use of stereotypes and cliches as part of their effort to get a laugh out of the audience.

One particular set of stereotypes I remember was that of the “nagging wife” and “foolish husband.” From the “Honeymooners” to “I Love Lucy” to “Tom & Jerry” and on and on. There were numerous bits making fun of the wife who was seemingly never pleased, easily annoyed, or working to limit the “fun” of her husband. Conversely, we had plenty of laughs at the “dumb” husband who persistently made choices that frustrated, irritated, or disappointed his wife, who of course, was never going to be happy with him.

Exaggerating normal and abnormal behaviors is an old recipe for comedy, but there are always elements of truth in the greatest exaggerations. There are also nuggets of wisdom that get lost as the routines become stereotypes, effectively platitudes that become meaningless caricatures of whatever they’re trying to reflect – the image is vaguely familiar but too generic to be useful other than as a “filler” for a lack of interest in digging deeper.

Consider for a moment some of the things those sitcom wives were “nagging” about: husbands out late with their friends, buying things without discussing first, not finishing home projects, or letting the kids do something when mom had already said “no.” These are all situations which present opportunities for humor but reflect serious break points for relationships.

The cartoon or sitcom pokes fun at the wife, or husband, in these situations but they reflect a bigger issue around disappointment and conflict in relationships. The man considers the wife a “nag” because she is pressing him on some behavior that is problematic or to fulfill a commitment he has failed to fulfill. Oh how we hate to be called out on our behavior, choices, or unfulfilled commitments.

Moving on from the stereotype above, insert anyone into the role of the “nag.” The reality is that we don’t like anyone telling us no, correcting us, calling us out, holding us back, or demanding more from us. The contrarian in us rails against accountability and limits. Rules are made to be broken right? If you have any doubt about this, just spend a few moments at a youth sporting event and watch how parents treat referees and each other. The right call is always the call that I wanted made and your failure to see that makes you wrong.

Despite our preference to always be right and to always get what we want, in moments of honesty we recognize the need for rules, limits, structure, encouragement, and standards of measure, to restrain our darker tendencies. We know that such strictures are necessary for a properly functioning society, particularly for all of the others around us who would be even worse barriers to our desires without such limits.

The Self-Made Myth

Even though we push back on the constraints and resent correction, we recognize their necessity. The reality for us as imperfect human beings is that we need to be restrained in many ways and pushed in many other ways in order for us to become the best versions of ourselves. No one “does it alone” and their is no such thing as “self-made.” Everyone we consider “successful” was taught, mentored, corrected, punished, limited, and pushed to whatever degree of attainment they have reached.

We don’t “create” ourselves, we are the products of lengthy formation within the limits of our environment. Sure, we react, make decisions, and choose, but we cannot get “there” on our own – at least not any “there” to which we truly aspire. We need a universe of factors and people to move forward in our lives to become the best, or at least moderately functioning, person we can possibly be. The self-made myth is its own stereotype, exaggerated, demonized, lionized, and fantasized throughout our culture.

Knowing how much we hate constraints and corrections, that we need them to become our best, and that we cannot do “it” all on our own, we begin to recognize the critical nature of the relationships around us and the particular pressures put upon them. The humorous stereotype of the “nagging wife” emerges into a different light as we consider its underlying truth. In those moments in which we feel a person “nagging” us, he or she may be absolutely necessary for us to become our best self.

Loving Paradox

Paradoxically, relationships often break down when others don’t give us what we want. We don’t like to be told “no” or corrected or called to more. As parents, we like to say “yes” to our children because we want to see them happy. However, if we are all “yes,” then we overly indulge our children and they (and the world) suffer for their selfishly entitled personalities. Children have little choice but to endure the corrections. Things shift dramatically for us as adults.

But true love is having the will to say “no” when it is best for them. It is correcting their error or behavior in order to help them learn. It is preparing them for the long game of life so they might stand in their own when you cannot stand with them. It is calling them to more because less is always easier…and we almost always default to easier.

Who do we want around us? We prefer those who give us the right attention, agree with us, validate our genius, and frequently tell us “yes.” This means that anything else causes risk. When we don’t agree, don’t validate, don’t say “yes,” we risk disappointing the other which might cause them to reject us. When others treat us this way, we may decide they are not worth the effort.

The risks involved with telling someone “no,” correcting them, or pushing them to more are high. Very high. This means that it takes a lot of courage to say “no.” It requires great strength of will to disagree. It is an act of bravery to disappoint another. And, it demands great love to call the other to more.

Look Around

Look around you. Who loves you enough to tell you “no”? Who care enough to disagree with you? Not just to argue or to be a jerk, but to elevate the discussion or help you by correcting an error? Who loves you enough to call you to more?

There is clearly an art to loving this way. We are all prideful. No one likes to be wrong, corrected, or called out. But oh how we need it from time to time. Who has the courage to push you when you need it? Stay close to that person because he or she really loves you.

Now, look at yourself. How do you receive such love? Do you have the courage to humbly accept the fierce love of being called to more? The risks are great. To love like this is to risk vulnerability. To love this way and accept love this way is to trust at an incredibly high level. It is also the path to relationships that make life worth living and a depth of character that will lead to a life well-lived.